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Rocking Chair Hymns
It’s 2:14am. I sit in the nursery rocking. Back and forth. Back and forth. The chair squeaks in cadence to the rhythmic movement. A half asleep son is in my arms. He slept so well during months two and three, but I’m finding myself having these middle of the night rocking sessions once again in month four. Thump. Thump. Thump. My hand pats his bottom as I rock. Back and forth. Back and forth. The room is dark, except for the illumination of a lone nightlight in the hall radiating shadows throughout the room. I peak down – his eyes blink heavy. Back and forth, I go. Back and forth.…
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Fletcher’s Birth Story
Fletcher Ridge joined our family on his due date, September 5th at 2:26 pm. He weighed 8 pounds 4 ounces and was 20.5 inches long. Hawk and I decided to go ahead and move forward with elective induction on my due date. I started progressing at 37 weeks and my body was ready, we were just missing the contractions. We enjoyed our long weekend together, the last one where it was just the two of us. On Labor Day, we went on our last date night and I called the hospital as we left the restaurant to see if everything was still a go. We were to report at 8:30…
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Letters From Mom – Part II
June 13 – Week 28 Dear Baby, I’m pretty sure you’ve grown while your daddy’s been away for training. I’ve missed him. I think you have too. I think you miss his voice and large warm hand. We are officially in the 3rd trimester! 28 week today. It’s hard to believe how fast it has gone. You’ll be here so very soon. You’re not just kicking me now, you’ve started to roll more – doing those aliens type moves. The sensations are so cool and weird at the same time. I’m enjoying this one on one time with you. I’m not ready to share you with the world yet. You’ve…
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Dear Baby | Letters from Mom
January 3rd – 5 Weeks Dear Baby, We found out about you two days after Christmas. After months of disappointment and “Not yets,” God answered our prayers and the desire of our hearts. I started a new journal in early November with this verse: Many, Lord my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare. Psalm 40:5 I dedicated the empty pages to record the great works He was bound to do – hoping beyond all hope that one of those great works would…
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Saying I Do
Two years ago, I was one week away from getting married. It was the night of my bachelorette party. My Matron of Honor, my future sister-in-law, my mom, and I made t-shirts for wedding week and binged out watching romantic comedies. It was the perfect low key bachelorette party for this introvert who despises small talk and thrives on deep meaningful conversation. I was also trying to write my vows. I have written my husband many letters. Ever since I was 13 I wrote letters to my future husband and bound them in an album and gave it to him on the morning of our wedding. I also wrote him 47…
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Waiting for the Rain
I don’t know the last time I’ve felt this vulnerable, I wrote in my journal. As soon as I stared at the words, I knew. I knew the last time I felt the way I was feeling. Because you tend to remember those moments. Feelings of Desperation. Unraveling. Confusion. When you feel vulnerable, really vulnerable, those moments seem to be imprinted no matter how hard you try to forget. For me, these moments seem to happen the most in times of wait. During times in the heat of the desert where you long for the rain to refresh. During times where the dark hours of the night linger and the rays of morning…
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Pitching My Tent
I sighed. “Back to reality,” I said as we turned off the highway and down the road that led to our house. The car stopped and Hawk shot a look over to me, “Reality is real life. It’s our life.” The way he said it stuck with me. I thought it over as we passed the green fields, the cows in the pasture taking refuge from the sun in the pond and under the shady trees. It wasn’t the beach, where we had just returned, but it was home. I was already feeling the post vacation woes, reflecting on a week of no responsibility, a week of no work – a…
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Things I Would Tell My 18 Year Old Self
In the past two nights I have seen both my brother and my sister-in-law, dressed in gowns and tasseled hats, walk across a stage to receive their high school diplomas. I am so proud and excited for them as they celebrate their hard earned accomplishments and this milestone in their lives. I am currently 7 years post my high school graduation and almost five years post college graduation – there’s a far enough distance for me to have perspective but still close enough for me to remember the feelings that came after being handed that diploma. The feelings of excitement and pride followed by the looming “Now what?” after the…
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Soul Rustlings
I love following other people’s blogs. Many times the Holy Spirit speaks to me and moves me through the inspiring things I read. Lately, however, I’ve developed a holy jealousy. A jealousy for God to reveal Himself to me directly. To really give me my own voice. I read moving stories of how other women are experiencing God in such a raw and real way and I write down quotes that impact me, but I want more. I don’t want to just read about God or how others are growing and experiencing His Presence – I want that relationship with Him myself! I jealousy crave knowing Him that way firsthand. I…
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Back Porch Fellowship
A couple months ago I took a day off of work to spend with Hawk. Our calendars have been full the past year and a half of our marriage. Honestly, many times I’ve resented Hawk’s busy schedule and the commitments that take him away from our home and me – every time I got a calendar notification alert, I’d sigh. I felt like those notifications, those commitments that we had no control over were controlling our lives, our plans, our marriage. And I was lonely. One night it just became too much. I felt bitter and I felt distanced from my husband. So I took a day off of work to spend time…
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When the Words Come
These pages have fallen silent the past few months. The words just haven’t come. Today the words came. The words came with intensity. They hit me with such urgency and surprise, it took all I had to not fill up post it notes at my desk. I counted down until my lunch break. I knew I needed that hour. I needed to write, to pray, to think, to focus, to process, to absorb, to just spill my heart, because the words came, and the words came with force. I love the quote by Flannery O’Connor: I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say…
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The Good Struggle | A Journal Entry
I feel like the Lord is taking me somewhere I’ve never been. I feel like He desires to grow my faith beyond any experience I’ve had with Him before. He’s at work, He’s doing something or He desires to do something, if I’ll cooperate. And I’m struggling – The Good Struggle, I call it. Ever since the Prayer of Jabez, I’ve felt a spiritual discontentment. It began stirring in my soul but it’s only been recently that I’ve been able to actually identify the emotions of my heart and formulate thought on them. I prayed for the Lord to do something so big in my life that it was obviously…
