Overwhelmingly First | An Anthem for My Journal & Soul

I opened the floral cover and paused. It shouldn’t have been a hard question, but it was. A Verse to Pray Over This Journal is what caused such contemplation. Sounds simple, right? Just pick one of the 31,102 verses from the Bible. To a girl who has grown up in church, this should’ve been an easy thing and yet it gave me such hesitation that words did not come for weeks.

Why did this challenge me so? Why didn’t I just write one of my favorites? (Hosea 6:3 is one of my favorites, by the way). I was waiting for a particular verse. For a verse that the Lord hadn’t shown me yet. A verse that would turn into an anthem. An anthem that I longed for the Lord to use to redeem the months prior where I once again became the wanderer.

I feel like the biggest hypocrite.

Give me love for you again.

I am a woman who loves this world. I love it too much.

Heal me of my wavering ways.

I have such an unfaithful divided heart.

Can we start anew?

Can we begin again?

Can you restore what has been lost?

These are real statements directly from my journal pages.

Then one morning, it came. From an Instagram post of all things. My anthem. This was the verse missing from my journal. This was the verse I needed to pray not just over my journal musings but my soul and life as well.

Words are my love language. I majored in English. I journal like a maniac. I’m a snail-mail letter writer. I love love the written word. It’s how I communicate best. It’s how I understand all the jumbled thoughts in my head. And it’s how I recount God’s faithfulness time and time again.

What a gift the Bible is. Seriously, think about it. God doesn’t owe us anything. He doesn’t owe us answers or explanations. He doesn’t even owe us a conversation. And yet, He speaks to us in a staggering 31,102 verses. Holding a Bible in our hands is one of the greatest mercies and miracles given to man.

While Psalm 86:11-13 meant something to the person who posted it, little did she know how God would use it to speak to me as well. That’s the crazy cool thing about the Bible – it transcends. His word really is alive, y’all. It’s not just some phrase Christians pulled from the Bible to make themselves sound weird. It’s real. Talk to any Bible believing, Bible studying person and they will tell you story after story of God revealing Himself time and time again.

The ESV and KJV use the word unite. Give me a united heart. In Hebrew, the verb is actually a command. The poet is praying with commanding power for a heart united to God’s. God doesn’t owe us anything but that’s a request He desires to fulfill. I love the Hebrew word for heart, lebab. It is our soul seat. The root word is ravish. The psalmist laments his sin and professes for God to ravish his heart. This is what my soul seat yearns for – for God to ravish my heart, quicken my soul, and fix all my affections on Him alone.

Verse 13 in the KJV almost makes me weep: “Great is your mercy toward me, you have delivered my soul from the lowest hell.” He has done that for me. With all my wayward tendencies, He still comes for me. He still redeems the Wanderer.

This truth was so evident to me as I flipped back journal pages to see my heart’s cry. I feel like the biggest hypocrite. I have such an unfaithful divided heart. Can we start anew? Can we begin again?

I underlined each of these snippets and marked the date next to it – an Ebenezer stone, a memorial of God’s faithfulness. I asked for a restored passion for Him. He gave it to me. I asked to begin anew. He did something even better. In His grace we continued on, like I had never even stopped. I asked to love him again. He has made Himself even more precious to me than before. Yes, He has delivered my soul from the lowest hell. I deserved to be left in the pit of my own choosing. But He has ravished my heart again. Quickened the beat of my soul once more.

How easily I seemed to move on in interest and devotion. When will I learn I am not happy without Him?

He isn’t just what satisfies, He is Who delights.

Who gives me butterflies. I adore my husband and son, but the love I have for Jesus– it’s a love that rivals none. This desire and affection remains the constant prayer of my adulteress-wandering-heart.

I wrote down a quote months ago in the middle of all my other questions, because it caused me great distress. It is from the book A Severe Mercy:

It is not possible to be incidentally a Christian. The fact of Christianity must be overwhelmingly first or nothing. This suggests a reason for the dislike of Christians by nominal or non-Christians: their lives contain no overwhelming first but many balances.

Sheldon Vanauken

While I initially wrestled with the implications of this statement – I understand what it really means now.

This is the “overwhelmingly first” – an undivided heart.